Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
