A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
