Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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