totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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