you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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