My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That accounts for only three of the penises
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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