Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
