im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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