I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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