The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
