this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
