I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
