Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
