I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I cockslap morals
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
