so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
