Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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