My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
