Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize