my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
