I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
