I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just puked most of my soul out..
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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