Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
