At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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