you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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