You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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