dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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