There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
