you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How does one acquire holy water?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
