i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
