And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
try to milk me bitch
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