I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
