if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Drunk is a universal language darling
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
