I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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