shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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