areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
