I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
