I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
