my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
