the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
