those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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