Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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