Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
