Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
