I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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