sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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