Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
