When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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