I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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