For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
