I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
