Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
